Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
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Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.