i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Kidney stones? Hard pass
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry