“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Inside you there are two wolves
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.