If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder