Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?