Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
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Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
What’s a Messi?