I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
You Might Also Like
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.