Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
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[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.