.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
mumsnet is amazing
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich