“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.