Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
The human personality is made of five key elements
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw