Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.