“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Just a friendly reminder!
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.