It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right