Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
getting groceries
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”