Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I missed you with all my darts
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
ouch
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
🙋♀️