Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“The Perfect Relationship”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.