i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.