I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.