5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after