When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Aaaa…CHOO!
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’