[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.