Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is âyeah yeah yeah, save it for the judgeâ and walk away
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. đ
âNeeds to be punchierâ â someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Just waved at my neighborâs cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when weâve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say âhow do u know my bfâ. i said âweâre just mutuals. i donât really know himâ. she responded and said âwell i read all of ur DMs to himâ. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.