A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.