The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
You Might Also Like
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this