Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver