Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.