PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?