I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”