Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
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My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list