My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no