It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
pat pat
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.