My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
“TGIM!” – My liver
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.