Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?