If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
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Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.