Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I cannot call her anything else now
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Cake!!
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!