“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
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FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.