ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Trumpy Cat
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
But that’s none of my business
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant