It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?