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The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.