*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”