“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!