Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Europe. Made in Germany.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”