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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
hi why am I like this
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces