*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Never be a pizza!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
this chia pet tastes awful