People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.