Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.