Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
A French press is when you hug naked
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.