Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young