Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
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“i miss shittin on people”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this